When You Get Hurt At Church

If you stay in a church long enough, eventually somebody is going to hurt you. A careless comment will sting. Someone will disappoint you. You may feel overlooked, misunderstood, criticized, or excluded. A friend may let you down. A pastor may make a decision you disagree with. Someone you have served may fail to appreciate you. Sometimes the hurt will be small. Sometimes it will be deep. That shouldn't surprise us. The church is a redeemed people, but it is not yet a perfected people. We are sinners learning to live together by the grace of God. So what should you do when you get hurt at church?

1. Guard Your Heart Against Bitterness

Hebrews 12:15 warns us to “See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled.” Hurt and bitterness are not the same thing. You may not be able to control whether someone hurts you, but you do have a responsibility for what happens in your heart afterward.

Bitterness takes an offense and keeps feeding it. We replay the conversation. We assume motives. We tell the story repeatedly. Before long, the original offense has grown roots, and those roots rarely affect only us. Bring the hurt to the Lord before you carry it around to everyone else.

2. Give People the Benefit of the Doubt

One of the most dangerous things we can do when we are hurt is assume we know why someone did what they did.

“They don't care about me.”

“They intentionally left me out.”

“The pastor doesn't value my family.”

“She knew exactly what she was doing.”

Maybe. But maybe not. First Corinthians 13:7 says that love “believes all things and hopes all things.” Biblical love does not mean being gullible, but it does mean that we should be reluctant to assign the worst possible motive to a brother or sister. Sometimes what feels like rejection was simply an oversight. Sometimes what sounds harsh was poorly worded. Sometimes people are carrying burdens we know nothing about. Before assuming the worst, choose charity.

3. Go to the Person, Not Around the Person

Jesus gives us remarkably practical instruction in Matthew 18:15: “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” Those last few words could prevent an enormous amount of church conflict: between thee and him alone.

Our temptation is often to talk to three other people about the person before we ever talk to the person. But that usually multiplies the hurt instead of resolving it. If the matter is significant enough that it needs to be addressed, lovingly go to them. Ask questions. Listen. Explain how you were hurt. Give them an opportunity to clarify, apologize, or make things right. Many church conflicts could be resolved by one humble conversation.

4. Be Ready to Forgive

Colossians 3:13 says, “Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” That may be the hardest command of all. Paul does not tell us to forgive because the offense wasn't painful. He points us to something greater than the offense: the forgiveness we have received from Christ.

Think about how patiently Jesus has dealt with you. Think about the debt He has forgiven. Think about how often you have failed Him and how abundant His mercy has been toward you. Christians forgive imperfect people because we are imperfect people who have been extraordinarily forgiven.

5. Don't Give Up on the Church

Sometimes people get hurt at church and quietly begin pulling away. They stop serving. They stop talking. They sit farther back. Eventually, they disappear. There are certainly situations involving serious sin, abuse, or persistent unrepentance that require stronger action and pastoral help. But ordinary relational hurt should not cause us to abandon something Christ loves so dearly.

The church is a family—and families sometimes hurt each other. But families also forgive each other, bear with each other, confront each other when necessary, and keep loving each other. One of the greatest demonstrations of the gospel isn't a church where nobody ever gets hurt. It's a church where imperfect people keep reconciling because Jesus Christ is greater than their offenses.

So when you get hurt at church—and eventually you probably will—don't run first. Pray. Examine your own heart. Assume the best where you can. Have the difficult conversation when you need to. Forgive as you have been forgiven. And remember: the person who hurt you needs the same grace of Jesus that you need.

Maybe one of the clearest ways we can show the world that the gospel is real is not by never hurting one another, but by showing them what the grace of Christ enables us to do when we do.