Belonging to a church means committing to a group of sinners, so you should expect offenses. But belonging to a church also means committing to God's plans for his redeemed people, which means you should respond to offenses much differently than the world. The Lord's desire for a unified church is clear in the Bible:


If God's mandate for the church is loving unity, you need to think carefully about how to respond when you are offended. First, I want to offer some general, biblically-based rules for offenses, and then some practical ways to help you navigate specific situations.

I. Four Biblical Rules

James tells us to confess our faults to each other (James 5:16). One who has committed an offense has but one valid decision to make, namely, to confess his error. Confess personal sins personally to God, and private offenses privately to the offended party.


According to Matthew 5:23-24, it is imperative that we are reconciled to our brother. We should follow this command anytime we become aware that a brother has been offended by us. If we always die on the hill called “I have not done anything wrong” we lack self-awareness, both of our own sin and the way we affect others, and this only makes the problem worse. It is our duty to go and listen, regardless of whether we feel like we did anything wrong.



The expression means that forgiveness should be endless. The parable that follows (Matthew 18:23-25) reminds us that the basis and means of our forgiving others is God’s gracious forgiveness of our sin. Our forgiveness to other believers is not based on whether or not we feel they deserve it, but on the fact that even though we did not deserve it, God forgives us in Christ. As Paul writes, “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4:32)



Why is this rule applicable to offenses? Because Christians who know how to love well - whose love for others is shaped by the cross - will offend less, apologize and forgive faster, and be less offended.

II. Some Practical Measures

Below are some specific approaches to handling offenses, particularly aimed at those who find themselves offended.

David does this in Psalm 7:3-5, granting his enemies worst desires for him if he is in the wrong. Think about the fact that David is living in the Ancient Near East pursued by war lords who wanted to brutally kill him and his family (perhaps this is a bit worse than whatever you are annoyed by right now) and even in that he evaluates his own innocence before the Lord.


I am not suggesting you gossip. But I am suggesting you find a single, wise voice to give you feedback. Find the person in your life who is the shock-absorber in the room, the person who doesn't always follow her emotions but has mastery over them, the person who slows others down and makes them think. Their wisdom can help you (Proverbs 13:20).

Love is hopeful about others (1 Corinthians 13:6). This doesn't mean Christians must be naive, but it does rule out of bounds the perennial cynicism that unfortunately is all too common in the church. If you have an easily excited imagination, you may have ran through all the worse-case scenarios in your mind about how much the offender is out to get you, but have you imagined any scenarios in which you simply misunderstood them?

 
Not every offense demands a series of reconciliation meetings. Sometimes, you just need to get over it quickly. Love helps with this, according to Peter (1 Peter 4:8). If the offense is serious enough that you need some sort of reconciliation, then talk with the specific person that has offended you, but do so in a way that really seeks reconciliation, not to tell them off, or to simply feel better about yourself. If you seek out an offender and your primary intent is self-justification, you will most assuredly get what you want, but you will not get your brother or sister.